I heard someone say one time that “the heart has its reasons that the heart doesn’t even know.” Perplexing comment, but one that I have grown to understand very well. I have been going about life just trying to trudge through from one day to the next. I have been tired, disinterested in things I used to be and lacked the motivation to do much about it. Maybe I am just a little depressed, I thought. It has been quite a summer. I have had 3 weddings and a funeral after all!
This is how it happened. I was sitting at my desk minding my own business and a cinder block fell on my chest. Not literally, but definitely symbolically. My heart rates began to rise and a cold sweat covered me. After 15 or 20 minutes the sensation went away. Must have been something I ate. I did not give it another thought. A few days later I had an episode where my head was swimming or maybe just the room was swaying. No one else seemed to be aware that the earth had begun a slalom. I started to feel nauseous. I grabbed hold of a table and sat down. After staying perfectly still for about 15 minutes or so, the dizzy sway of the room came to a delicate stop. Whew, must be an inner ear thing, so I reasoned. No time to check on it. I was in the middle of preparing for a wedding. The stress was a good kind, but it left me no time to consider matters of health.
These little “spells” came off and on for several weeks. Finally, the cinder block made another appearance at what I decided was a more convenient time. You know, the time when it can no longer be avoided. I decided to check in with the doctor while it was happening. That decision gave everyone in the medical and financial communities cause for celebration. Some $6000 (so far) and 3 doctors later, I was diagnosed with a cardiac problem.
I’ve always known this day would come. I have family history of heart disease from both sides of my family. I just didn’t want it to be while I was still in my 40s. That is funny. I don’t imagine I would want it in my 80s or 90s either. It just is what it is.
The next 4 weeks I was banished to rest at home. The weeks of solitude on the couch and in the bed gave me a lot of time to ponder my heart conditions. I write that in the plural sense, because it has been a dual experience. As I thought about my physical heart, I considered my spiritual one too. After all, when it comes to a threat to the physical heart it engages the spiritual one. It gives rise from temporal to eternal matters.
One day my physical heart WILL stop and the spiritual one will be the only one that counts. It will matter how well that heart was taken care of during the physical years. The treasure stored up there in the finite needs to be the kind that will be of some benefit in the infinite.
I have been blessed the past few weeks to ask myself some important questions. We all ask these questions at one time or another as our lives press on. I don’t have the answers, but I will acknowledge that they are rolling around these days.
How much time do I have? The kids grew up so fast. At the time, it seemed like it would be unending and I loved those years. Now, they are married and have their own values and commitments. We are in a new chapter. Will it be as fleeting? Is this 2nd half of my life really a half? Maybe it is more like a 3rd or even a 10th of what I have imagined. Are the final days or years going to be spent in physical distress? What does God want of me now? Has it changed?
Have I been a good wife, a good mother, a good friend? I know that I can do better. Will I commit to do better and stick with it this time? Am I being too hard or too soft in what I expect from myself or is it about right?
Will I be the first of my close friends that will meet God face to face? It seems that I always get to milestones first. My parents died earlier than most of my friends’ parents; that is, those friends who are my age. I began the arthritis journey a few years ago. None of my friends have met Arthur or Itis in a serious way…yet. There are many of those “I got there first moments” over the years. What will/would I miss? Does that really matter?
What will be God’s judgment? I am thankful for his forgiveness and grace, but I know He doesn’t owe it to me. I deserve nothing. Judas, Annanias and Sapphira, Nadab and Abihu and many others were struck down decisively. I am but a wee one in the kingdom, the least.
Will any good that I do be of value in eternity? Was someone’s life better for having known me? Have I successfully walked with God and been used by Him to mold and shape my daughter’s lives in such a way that they love Him above all others?
Questions. There are many.
There are some comforting ponderings during these times too. I had a friend about 20 years ago who died during her 2nd struggle with cancer. She told me that during the 1st round she prayed to God to let her see her children grow up. Cancer returned just after her 4th and youngest daughter left the nest. She would not plead with God the 2nd time. She believed he had been too good to her for her to beg for more. She had been granted the desire of her heart and prepared to go home. I think of her frequently and thank God that she touched my life. When I am sick, I recall my friendship with Sandy and the many things she taught me about being a spiritual wife and a Godly mother. ”Jayne-jayne” (she would say) “give your heart to God and it will come back to you.” Indeed.