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via Idol Pleasures | LeadershipJournal.net.
This is a wonderful article that whether you are a ministry leader or lay person should be considered. I have seen this scenario repeat itself time and again in religious groups, in religious people, in religion period. I think sometimes we just miss the whole point.
This year has brought enormous change to my life. Doesn’t every year? I am a list maker and tend to operate each day from lists. It is okay if I don’t finish my list, but it keeps me organized and on task. I guess I am a person who likes to have goals that are clearly defined. My inner peace comes in part from knowing what direction I am headed in reaching my goals. I think we all subconsciously in some ways operate from a goal oriented approach to life whether we realize it or not. The older I get the more I can see at various times that where I ended up years down the road was due in part to the baby steps I took on one day while I wasn’t really thinking through my actions. Tiny steps on a thoughtless day here and there impacted my life long term. We’ve all done it. Honey, we can do “it” unprotected this one time. We named that one Julia. It was a good misstep, but not an objective at the time. Some decisions/goals like that are a blessing. We all need some of those. Others, like hearing “I want a divorce” two days before classes begin can send educational goals into the sewer forever. It’s just part of life. Every detail can’t be planned and controlled. That is a good thing. Hold living loosely with a firm grip. Sounds like a Chineses proverb. It is not. It is all mine….and I am not Chinese….although I do like Chinese food…not cats…I don’t eat cat! I sound like a search engine.
We operate out of our perceptions of life. It has been said “we are the sum total of our experiences.” Who said that? I perceive that as a correct statement. Nigeria brought that home to me this year. I thought I knew what to expect when I went to Nigeria. The people, the culture, the living conditions have been documented. In fact, there were no surprises at all from a cultural standpoint. What I didn’t expect was to see the sheer determination to survive that is there. Everything that is done throughout the day is about survival. It really isn’t about whether or not something is accomplished that is going to outlast daylight. It is all about where the next meal is coming from, who is sick and might die today, who is hurting and needs to be literally carried in someone’s arms to a doctor or some other kind of healer. An awareness that Jesus is present in every minute of the day permeates life there. The fever comes down. Praise Jesus for finding favor on this situation. The fever doesn’t come down. The dead are buried and their names are not spoken again. It wasn’t Jesus will. That is acceptable. Questioning is useless. Move forward. I remembered as though for the first time why I became a Christian and why I became a social worker. It restored my soul and gave me clarity.
Every year I try to make a new friend. I like to develop several meaningful relationships each year. I want to get to the end of my life and be able to look back at a long strand of people with whom I shared meaningful relationships. I don’t like to let meaningful relationships go. Some “go” naturally. I can meet some dear friend from 20+ years ago and I take up where we left off. That is genuine friendship. I’ve never had a relationship with someone who became extremely close who I chose to cut off until this year. That is pretty remarkable I think. I am 50 this year and my goodbyes have been fairly healthy as far as I know. This year, I chose to end two relationships. I am still not sure if the decisions have been good ones, but they had to be made. Still, there isn’t day that goes by that I don’t ruminate on whether this is the decision that I want. What I do know is that what I had thought was shared in the relationships were only perception and not reality. How can you grow close to someone over the years and then realize much of the relationship has not been genuine at all. It is confusing since the decision was made about two people who are not connected in one circle of my friendship. One was especially close a while ago. More recent years brought the other closer. This has been a year where God has had to beat me over the head with quite a bit of club strength to get me to see, really see and then cut off. I’ve done it, but I did so kicking and screaming. I wrote a letter and never mailed it. It was sort of an effort to purge, let go and bring the relationship to an emotional conclusion for me. It helped, but the pain these individuals caused has scarred me deeply. I recommend the exercise. It helped me see the part I played and the mistakes that I made. It gave me opportunity to ask God for forgiveness and to learn better ways of relating to those around me. Lessons I should have learned long ago, but kept skipping out on. God is still working on me. Praise him for it!
This year has also provided some drama in another ring at the circus. I watched someone I have loved since childhood with newly bestowed power and authority totally uproot the life of another family literally destroying many years of good that had been done in the lives of a generation of children. It was a bloodbath and brought to mind the arenas of old where the lions came out and bodies were buried at the end to the sounds of angry mobs; one where reason and civility seemed to have never existed. It was a sad few months to witness; one that brought me to my knees again and again. In the end, the sun came out and the Son stood quietly waiting where he had been the entire time going unnoticed and unacknowledged in the carnage.
The year hasn’t been all challenge and no reward. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. It has been a year for rebuilding and redefining who I am. My husband and I bought a foreclosed property in the mountains. We tore the place down to the shell and have rebuilt it. It is almost finished. I can’t begin to elaborate on how this rebuilding effort has strengthened our marriage. It has given us something new to focus on. It has been a catalyst for finding a new depth in our relationship. On the surface it seems so simple. In reality, it has been anything but simple. Yet, it has been a wonderful experience. I have been reminded of how our strengths compliment each other. Where he is strong I am weak. Where I am strong he is weak. I have been reminded of why we fit so nicely together. This is timely as we have begun the “empty nest” phase of our lives together. I have been saturated in the warmth of our relationship. It wasn’t always so, which makes this year beyond wonderful.
The experiences of this year have caused me to pull in a bit. I haven’t written as much. I haven’t wanted the exposure. I am tired of the talking heads criticizing and scrutinizing. I am tired of the self absorption that exists in every culture. I am thankful for my own circumstance. I love my children and their spouses. I pray for their future. I am still hopeful about my country. I believe this year has been a wake up call to some of us who have grown lukewarm in our faith. I believe 2010 will be one that defines this next generation. A baby step into an unpredictable arena.
I have been thinking about my recent trip to Africa last month and have yet to organize all of my thoughts and impressions of that adventure. I have had several people tell me they would like to see me blog about the trip so I am going to begin with one today.
The trip itself was challenging on just about every level I can think of. The team was a bit eclectic. You really get to know people when you live together for 12 days in airports, traffic, jungles and especially in poverty. Each person that went was vital to the mission and I am glad that we had the time together. I would like to say that we touched lives for good in the lives of the Nigerian women that we met and in the lives of orphans. I sincerely hope that we planted seeds that will take root in the years to come.
All of those things I hope and continue to pray over. Now let me list what I know for certain. I make the list because each is an important principle I need to remember. I will write more about each one in later posts.
I saw this on youtube and couldn’t help but reflect. Here are my thoughts. I welcome yours.
I heard someone say one time that “the heart has its reasons that the heart doesn’t even know.” Perplexing comment, but one that I have grown to understand very well. I have been going about life just trying to trudge through from one day to the next. I have been tired, disinterested in things I used to be and lacked the motivation to do much about it. Maybe I am just a little depressed, I thought. It has been quite a summer. I have had 3 weddings and a funeral after all!
This is how it happened. I was sitting at my desk minding my own business and a cinder block fell on my chest. Not literally, but definitely symbolically. My heart rates began to rise and a cold sweat covered me. After 15 or 20 minutes the sensation went away. Must have been something I ate. I did not give it another thought. A few days later I had an episode where my head was swimming or maybe just the room was swaying. No one else seemed to be aware that the earth had begun a slalom. I started to feel nauseous. I grabbed hold of a table and sat down. After staying perfectly still for about 15 minutes or so, the dizzy sway of the room came to a delicate stop. Whew, must be an inner ear thing, so I reasoned. No time to check on it. I was in the middle of preparing for a wedding. The stress was a good kind, but it left me no time to consider matters of health.
These little “spells” came off and on for several weeks. Finally, the cinder block made another appearance at what I decided was a more convenient time. You know, the time when it can no longer be avoided. I decided to check in with the doctor while it was happening. That decision gave everyone in the medical and financial communities cause for celebration. Some $6000 (so far) and 3 doctors later, I was diagnosed with a cardiac problem.
I’ve always known this day would come. I have family history of heart disease from both sides of my family. I just didn’t want it to be while I was still in my 40s. That is funny. I don’t imagine I would want it in my 80s or 90s either. It just is what it is.
The next 4 weeks I was banished to rest at home. The weeks of solitude on the couch and in the bed gave me a lot of time to ponder my heart conditions. I write that in the plural sense, because it has been a dual experience. As I thought about my physical heart, I considered my spiritual one too. After all, when it comes to a threat to the physical heart it engages the spiritual one. It gives rise from temporal to eternal matters.
One day my physical heart WILL stop and the spiritual one will be the only one that counts. It will matter how well that heart was taken care of during the physical years. The treasure stored up there in the finite needs to be the kind that will be of some benefit in the infinite.
I have been blessed the past few weeks to ask myself some important questions. We all ask these questions at one time or another as our lives press on. I don’t have the answers, but I will acknowledge that they are rolling around these days.
How much time do I have? The kids grew up so fast. At the time, it seemed like it would be unending and I loved those years. Now, they are married and have their own values and commitments. We are in a new chapter. Will it be as fleeting? Is this 2nd half of my life really a half? Maybe it is more like a 3rd or even a 10th of what I have imagined. Are the final days or years going to be spent in physical distress? What does God want of me now? Has it changed?
Have I been a good wife, a good mother, a good friend? I know that I can do better. Will I commit to do better and stick with it this time? Am I being too hard or too soft in what I expect from myself or is it about right?
Will I be the first of my close friends that will meet God face to face? It seems that I always get to milestones first. My parents died earlier than most of my friends’ parents; that is, those friends who are my age. I began the arthritis journey a few years ago. None of my friends have met Arthur or Itis in a serious way…yet. There are many of those “I got there first moments” over the years. What will/would I miss? Does that really matter?
What will be God’s judgment? I am thankful for his forgiveness and grace, but I know He doesn’t owe it to me. I deserve nothing. Judas, Annanias and Sapphira, Nadab and Abihu and many others were struck down decisively. I am but a wee one in the kingdom, the least.
Will any good that I do be of value in eternity? Was someone’s life better for having known me? Have I successfully walked with God and been used by Him to mold and shape my daughter’s lives in such a way that they love Him above all others?
Questions. There are many.
There are some comforting ponderings during these times too. I had a friend about 20 years ago who died during her 2nd struggle with cancer. She told me that during the 1st round she prayed to God to let her see her children grow up. Cancer returned just after her 4th and youngest daughter left the nest. She would not plead with God the 2nd time. She believed he had been too good to her for her to beg for more. She had been granted the desire of her heart and prepared to go home. I think of her frequently and thank God that she touched my life. When I am sick, I recall my friendship with Sandy and the many things she taught me about being a spiritual wife and a Godly mother. ”Jayne-jayne” (she would say) “give your heart to God and it will come back to you.” Indeed.
